Metro Employee Training Sketch

Sketch Comedy piece written for Just For Laughs festival, Montreal. 2004

A senior employee is training a new recruit. Everything is laid out perfectly and neatly.

They both have coffee.

TRAINER

OK, so you know where everything is? You got your coffee? Good, we're ready to roll. Now just let me guide you - don't take too much initiative on your first day.

That's when mistakes happen and this is a fast paced job, we can't afford mistakes. Bad things happen

JUNIOR

Takes a sip of his coffee, looks nervous

TRAINER

Now look relaxed. The people need to believe that you are in control. They are counting on you. They are merely the public, you are the metro representative. You need to lead them. Oh here comes one

A MAN arrives at the window, $15 in hand ($10 & $5). The Junior is about to speak

TRAINER

Whoa, take a sip of your coffee first. He needs to see you're relaxed and in control Junior takes a sip of coffee

JUNIOR

Morning

MAN

Morning, could I get a booklet of six please

Man hands over his money; Junior is about to hand him the tickets

TRAINER

Wait, what are you doing? You're going too fast. Don't let him control you. Confirm with him that he really wants the booklet of six

JUNIOR

But that's what he said

TRAINER

Doesn't matter, confirm anyway - show him you are listening to him

JUNIOR

You wanted a booklet of six, right?

MAN

Yeah, that's what I said

JUNIOR

See?

TRAINER

Beginner's luck. Tell him that will be $14.25

JUNIOR

He's already given me $15

TRAINER

Tell him anyway, that's good customer service

JUNIOR

That'll be $14.25

MAN

I know, I gave you $15

TRAINER

Oooh, this one's a smarty pants. NO! What are you doing?

JUNIOR

Giving him his tickets and change

TRAINER

Slow down! You need to maintain control. If you just hand it over, then he wins

JUNIOR

But -

TRAINER

Look at him, all hoyty toyty He thinks he has given you easy change. He can see you have all your twooneys, looneys and quarters lined up ready to go. he expects you just to take three quarters, hand them to him and that's it. Who the hell does he think he is? He's not working for the STCUM, he can't tell you how to do your job!

JUNIOR

But -

TRAINER

NO, you can't let him get away with it

JUNIOR

What do I do?

TRAINER

Answer the phone

JUNIOR

What?

TRAINER

You heard me, answer the phone

JUNIOR

But it's not ringing

TRAINER

He doesn't know that, this booth is sound proof. Go on, answer it

JUNIOR

Hello? Yes? Alright

TRAINER

Who are you talking to?

JUNIOR

You said to answer the phone

TRAINER

Yeah but there's nobody there - we're just pretending. Just stand there and look important. Oooh, he's getting ansy now. Look at him. No, don't hang up - that shows you are giving in to his attitude.

JUNIOR

uh huh

TRAINER

Who are you talking to?

JUNIOR

I can't just stand here

TRAINER

Of course you can

MAN

Excuse me, I'm in a hurry

TRAINER

Oooh, he has balls doesn't he. Don't look at him. Keep talking

JUNIOR

You said not to

TRAINER

You know what I mean. Oh, the 7:57 is about to arrive. Wait, wait, ok, we hear it. Hang up but don't go to the window straight away. Wait

MAN

Excuse me

TRAINER

Make him sweat. Count the change

JUNIOR

I only have to give him three quarters

TRAINER

Count them one by one, real slow. Here's the train. Count, slowly, don't give him the tickets yet. Wait, wait, ok, it is about to leave, there it goes, ok, give him his tickets

MAN

Thanks a lot

TRAINER

Whooooooo hoooooo, that was great! I feel pumped! Here comes another

WOMAN

Hi, just one ticket please 

Junior goes to get it for her; another woman comes up to the window from inside the station

TRAINER

Wait, there's somebody coming to the window

JUNIOR

But she has the exact change, I could just finish with her quickly

TRAINER

NO, remember, customer service. She hasn't paid yet so she's technically not yet a customer. This lady has, she's already inside, so she gets priority. The customer is always first. Junior goes to take the phone; woman at window gets irritated

SECOND WOMAN

How long until the next train?

TRAINER

Tell her you don't know

JUNIOR

I don't know

SECOND WOMAN

Oh, ok. Will it be long do you think?

TRAINER

You don't know

JUNIOR

I don't know

She leaves

JUNIOR

But I do know

TRAINER

Telling people how long to the next train is not in your job description. Now serve the lady at the window

He does so, as he is serving her a message comes through

TRAINER

Excellent! now we'll have some fun. The orange line is shut down. You need to announce it

Junior picks up loudspeaker microphone

JUNIOR

Mesdames at Monsieurs, je regrette -

Trainer switches it off

TRAINER

What are you doing? That was much too clear. Everybody will understand what you are saying

JUNIOR

I thought that was the idea

TRAINER

Are you nuts? If they all know what You're saying, then they all know what you know and then you lose your power. Try again, much more whooshy

JUNIOR

Mesdames et Monsieurs

TRAINER

NO! Oh give it to me. Now watch and learn. (holds nose) Mesdames et &$??# gibberish IMMEDIATEMENT more gibberish URGENCE ....How do they look?

JUNIOR

Really worried

TRAINER

Great. If we keep it up they'll think it's an accident or a gas leak or something

JUNIOR

What is it?

TRAINER

Driver fell asleep

JUNIOR

Oh

TRAINER

Yeah, they're putting on another one. Won't be long now

JUNIOR

We could tell them that

TRAINER

Why? This is way more fun. Oh, look, some of them are starting to leave. Wait until they get to the top of the stairs. Now! (into speaker) Gibberish dans deux

minutes. Now we play spot the anglophones. They have no idea! laughs Oh, I hear the train. What time do you have?

JUNIOR

12:05

TRAINER

Ooops, we were supposed to go on break at 12:03. Is Pierre in the booth opposite?

JUNIOR

I don't see him

TRAINER

(looking in book) Oh, no, he only comes back at 12:11. Oh well, they will just have to wait. Quick, move it, there's a whole bus load about to arrive!

Image purely so the post has an Image (laugh)