Oh Cassandra

Children's story written for live storytelling event. Montreal, 2001

Cassandra loved Cassandra. In fact, there was nothing the other children could do that she didn't think she was better at. In her opinion she was cleverer, funnier, stronger, faster and better looking than anybody.

Most of the other children didn't like Cassandra. They thought she was a snob and would avoid her in the playground. Cassandra didn't care.

"I am too good for them anyway," she thought.

One morning Cassandra woke up in a particularly boastful mood.

"I do believe I am the neatest eater in this family," she declared at the breakfast table when her little sister knocked over the sugar bowl. Her sister frowned.

"Oh Cassandra," sighed her big brother.

When it was time to get dressed, Cassandra refused to wear the green dress her mother had picked out for her.

"Only an ordinary girl would wear green on a Tuesday," she announced, "I am a beautiful princess who must wear red". And, with that, she put the green dress back in the cupboard and pulled out her red evening dress instead.

"Oh Cassandra," sighed her mother.

Cassandra insisted on sitting in the front seat on the way to school. "Only very unimportant people sit in the back seat," she pointed out as her sister climbed into the rear. Her sister scowled.

"Oh Cassandra," sighed her father.

At school Cassandra's boasting grew even worse. In music, she refused to sing with the rest of the class.

"A fine voice like mine should not be wasted on untalented people," she said. So she sat at the back of the room looking extremely important while the other children sang all their favourite songs.

"Oh Cassandra," sighed her music teacher.

In math, she was no better.

"I am far too intelligent for such simple sums," she cried, "This is such a bore". The other children groaned.

"Oh Cassandra," sighed her teacher.

When Madame Blouin came to teach French, Cassandra huffed and puffed and made a terrible fuss. "I am perfectly fluent in French," she told Madame, "I don't see why I should have to sit through such basic lessons".

Madame was about to sigh "Oh Cassandra", when she noticed something unusual.

Cassandra's head was growing. Cassandra was too busy bragging to notice. And the more she bragged, the bigger her head grew. The other children noticed too.

"Cassandra, your head," cried William.

"I have a beautiful head, I know", replied Cassandra. And with that her head grew a little bigger.

"No Cassandra, you don't understand", insisted Gabriele.

"Of course I understand", Cassandra argued, "I am an extremely understanding person".

With that, Cassandra's head grew even bigger. By lunchtime it was the size of a giant pumpkin, but Cassandra didn't notice a thing.

She continued to boast, explaining to anyone who would listen just how beautiful and intelligent she was. All the while her head grew bigger and bigger. The children began to snigger. The more they giggled, the more Cassandra insisted they should be listening to her and the bigger her head grew.

Soon her head was so enormous that it nearly reached the top of the trees. Cassandra stopped talking for a minute and noticed that her feet seemed very far away all of a sudden. And the other children seemed very small all the way down there on the ground.

"Oh my goodness!" she cried. But it was too late.

The next minute, her head began to float up into the sky like a giant hot air balloon.

"Help, help!" squealed Cassandra. But the children simply stared at her in awe. She was floating higher and higher. Some of them ran inside to fetch the teachers. Soon the entire school was standing in the playground gawking at Cassandra's gigantic head.

Poor Cassandra began to cry. "Please help me," she sobbed.

Mr. Watson, the science teacher, stepped forward. "The only thing to do, is to pop her head with something sharp" he declared.

"Anything," bawled Cassandra, "anything that will make my head shrink".

Mr. Watson pulled out his bow and arrow and took aim.

"WHOOSH!" The arrow shot through the air.

"YEEEOOOOW!" shrieked Cassandra as it hit her squarely in the forehead.

With a loud "SHWIKOOOOOSH" Cassandra's head shriveled back to its normal size and Cassandra landed with a THUMP on the ground.

"Thank you" she mumbled shyly, rubbing her head. Then, upon seeing the bow in Mr. Watson's hand, she let out a loud guffaw. "That's what you used? I would have found something much more grand, but then I always do."

"Oh Cassandra," sighed everybody at once.